The Heart of the Matter

Friendships, marriages, and families are torn apart daily by people choosing not to forgive or not to change. My own family has provided me hands-on experience with forgiveness, giving me unshakable hope in our capacity to change. The result: I hate seeing relationships crumble because neither side (or sometimes just one side) was willing to be humble and admit fault.

At times I've felt the need to meet personally with people I've hurt in order to explain my actions and ask their forgiveness. Sometimes, I just want to let them know I've forgiven them so they can be free from the burden of imagined resentment. Oftentimes being denied this "face to face" opportunity, I've had to reconcile myself through inferior forms of communication. Or not do it at all.

Presently, I'm confronted by two specific situations, one involving one of my closest friends and the other some members of my family. I'm hoping to express in this entry certain things that I've failed to say in person and over the phone, by email, text message, or on facebook over the past while.

To my friend: If I could go back in time, or if you were beside me right now, all I would want to say is this: I'm sorry. I've changed from what I was two years ago. Please forgive me. I can't explain all my past actions except by saying they seemed right at the time and no hurt was intended. How can I begin to "spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?" I really can't. Can current actions wipe out past wrongs? I'm not sure if it's a Catholic or a Filipino belief, but it's said that good actions minus out wrong ones, pampabawas, it's called. I pray it's true. I know I'm asking a lot, but please just let go of what happened so that our current friendship won't just wither and be blown away as something moth-ridden and worthless.

To certain branches of my family: I have forgiven you. Please change. Turn to Christ and let Him heal you. I want to be able to trust you again. Change and say you're sorry. It's one of those lessons we learn in primary that sometimes we forget applies to us as adults. Admit fault, and instead of seeking further retribution for real or imagined offenses, seek to heal that which was torn up in revenge.

Forgiveness takes time. But not just time. It takes relying on the atonement -- believing that your heart can heal. Frodo muses at the end of his journeys, "How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend; some hurts that go too deep-- that have taken hold." Such would be life and our attempts at forgiveness without the healing power of the atonement.

Don Henley phrases it well in his song, The Heart of the Matter -- "It's all about forgiveness, even if you don't love me anymore."