Year of Regeneration

This time last year I chose a word that I wanted to shape my decisions around in 2013. (I am very abstract like this sometimes.) The word I chose was Regeneration. Interesting for me is looking back at the opportunities, both happy and dark, that led to successfully shaping my year.

For the sake of easy listing, I've categorized things very generally.

Physical
In thinking of regeneration and how it would apply to me physically, I made a couple big decisions. The first meant shedding more than fifty be-shackling pounds. One year later, I'm fifty-five pounds the lighter.

The second began with me researching LASIK surgery. I couldn't think of anything more befitting this year of regeneration than receiving the gift of clear sight. In March, everything lined up. I went in to the Eye Institute for the procedure. By the end of the day I was already seeing better. My vision continued to improve over the course of the next week and month. It was and is miraculous. I can see! (Huge blessing that made this possible -- everything lined up with insurance and HSA, so we didn't have any out-of-pocket expense with it.)

As to physical surroundings, again two things. First, I established a system for keeping on top of household tasks and cleaning. (Look at me! I can hardly believe I'm an INFP anymore! But I am . . . though technically now borderline INFJ.)

Second, we saved up for and bought a couch! (New to us!) It means a lot to not have to look at a really worn-out, grey, and depressing-looking couch everyday. We also got a couple new tablecloths, which has made our living space much happier!

Emotional
When it came to emotional regeneration, I made a list of things that were making me feel bitter or angry about life. Then I began feeling my way through, seeing a counselor here and there as we were able to afford.

To list a few things (again, in an effort to be more concrete):

1) I felt anger and shame with myself for not being ready to have another kid. Part of it stemmed from fear of re-entering the NICU with the next baby. The NICU experience was a trauma for me. Finally opening myself up and talking with God, friends, family, and - randomly - a couple very understanding receptionists at my dentist's office, I've come to accept that there is no shame in waiting.

I'm dead-tired of hearing people say, "But you're never really 'ready.'" "Not being ready" isn't just an excuse that selfish people throw out. "Not being ready" is a very valid reason for holding off. More to come in #3.

2) I felt a lot of anger and bitterness toward friends who left the Church, compounded by feelings of guilt and inadequacy at myself for a) feeling angry at their decision; b) not being a good enough member missionary to keep them in. Also, their decision to leave coupled with my decision to stay in, led me to wonder whether they would understand and support me though I have chosen differently than they.

I had to remember that a) Jesus is Savior, not me; b) we all (thankfully!!!) have free agency; c) this life is a journey of choices that could someday lead any one of them back, but chances are they're not going to end up in hell anyway, and again, Jesus is Savior not me; d) it's okay to feel angry. Once I allowed myself to feel angry, I was surprised how quickly it went away. I also realized that if they truly are friends, they will love me and support me, though they may also go through times of anger and bitterness.

3) Postpartum depression. This is tough to talk about. In July, a friend took her life while going through postpartum depression. No one knew she was even experiencing it. She (like myself) tended to smile a lot and keep things upbeat.

This was a HUGE wake-up call for me.

I started talking to people about my struggle with postpartum. My family, I was shocked to learn, hadn't even realized I was going through any kind of depression. My bishop encouraged me to talk with different sisters in the ward (his wife included) who had dealt with it, so I could begin developing a community of support. My husband had already known I was going through a "bad spell," but Serenity's death helped him realize the gravity of what I had gone through/was going through. His family has also been a great support to me.

I'm still working through this one, to be honest. The idea of willingly going through postpartum depression again is pretty daunting. But I've come a long, long way and little by little I've seen a community of support strengthening around me, and I know choices I can make to help things be better.

Intellectual/Creative

Any progress on this front would be considered regeneration, since during the months of breastfeeding and working through all the issues above, my standards weren't all that high in this department . . .

I finally read Middlemarch all the way through - thanks to the audiobook and a long roadtrip to New Mexico and back.

Jon and I started a little rock band we call Furious George.

I've learned to view photography again as something I love, and not just something that hangs a deadline over me.

I've started reading through Mormon Women Have Their Say and attending a lovely Mormon-feminist book group to discuss it. It's been really beautiful.


To sum up, this was by far my most successful bout of New Year's resolution-ing I've ever had. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it, because technically I know goals are supposed to meet certain criteria in order to be "effective" and yet I found myself thriving in the openness that this goal presented.

I may do this again this year, but with a different theme. If I do, I'll let you know in another twelve months. ;)