My wise friend, and oft-counselor, Analiesa Leonhardt helped me through a bit of a quandary a couple months back. I'd given my word to do something that I really wished I'd said "no" to in the first place.
The way I saw it, there was no way out . . . I'd already given my word. I'm a people-pleaser, so the very idea of causing disappointment, annoyance, or (my dear Norwegian grandmother's oft-used term) "be[ing] a burden" seemed a shuddering impossibility.
No way out.
Right?
Analiesa, in her wonderfully Analiesa way, told me about a speaker she'd heard recently who talked about how time is a limited, non-renewable resource. Thus how we spend our time is important. So why spend this precious resource on commitments and obligations to which we really wish we would have just said 'no' in the first place?
These commitments often rob our precious time and sap energy away from higher priorities.
Thus, the speaker went on, if something isn't a "Hell yes!" it's a "Hell no!" by default.
My burden felt immediately lighter.
I didn't need to be bound by a commitment that was going to put undue stress on me and my family. I realized that even after fulfilling this commitment, most likely I would return home exhausted and needing to play sleep catch-up. The simple measuring stick of "Hell yes!" or "Hell no!" helped me realize I could back out. So I called the lady and told her "no."
I'd be lying if I said it all went down in a neat, tidy manner.
It didn't.
As I spoke with her, I caught myself rambling, interlaced with plenty of hedging, hemming, and hawing. She didn't like it. She'd have to find someone last minute to replace me. But she did find someone.
I felt a bit guilty for not having said "no" at the get-go. But that guilt was overpowered by feelings of strength and freedom -- I'd be able keep my commitments to myself, my family, and my household. It was important that I make those my first priority even in this small instance.
That was just the beginning. Little by little I'm learning to say "no." The results have been awesome! I feel so much happier with how I spend my time. I have energy for the people and responsibilities that matter most to me!
Jon also started using the "hell no!" system. We're a little bit in love with it. We've had some good laughs along the way, too. Like the day I turned to Jonathan during a conversation completely unrelated and said, "I think yard work is a 'hell no' for me." (It felt like such an epiphany!)
One more awesome aspect of this system: feeling kinship with J. Golden Kimball.
Hell yes!
5 comments:
you're so funny! Glad you are breaking out and allowing yourself the freedom to focus on yourself and what matters most to you. Here's my challenge (and I'm telling you this only because I'm pretty certain that NO ONE from my current ward reads your blog): I firmly believe that one never turns down a calling. They are from the Lord, so that settles it. So in my current calling which I'm still struggling to enjoy, I have many many responsibilities that are far from a 'hell yes' for me, particularly because of my family situation right now, my health, and my crazy stressful schedule (I'm writing my Master's thesis right now). Now I know there is a difference in the experience you shared bc that was an obligation you didn't need to fulfill and was not part of your duty in the first place. But my struggle is that I literally find myself at least once a week thinking along the lines of "Really, Lord? Did you have to ask me?" or "And You seriously thought I was right for this job?"... it is tough. I don't mean to question His sovereignty. Obviously He knows best. Yet, I sometimes wish I'd just said "hell no". There I said it. Now don't tell anyone. :)
I've had that same feeling in certain callings, or more accurately during specific times when I had a lot of personal/family trials. Sometimes I felt that being in the calling became a blessing during those times of trial, and other times (like when the doctors told me not to take Sammy to church for six months after he was released from the NICU) I had to back out of my calling because a greater priority arose. Funny thing is, even though I knew I was justified in leaving my calling, I still beat myself up about it - like I felt like a failure for being "too weak" to do both. Silly, silly Mo. Anyway, if I were you, I'd take a good hard look at the demands of your calling and seeing if there is a way to "hell no" certain aspects - cutting back on meetings or prep time necessary for those meetings, etc. Because you Elisa are worth it, as are your two little girls and Eric. You'll still have a positive impact on people in your calling, maybe even more so for letting the calling take a healthier place in your balancing act. See what things are non-essential and trim back, see what things can be delegated. The Lord will help you know what to do.
This is something I struggle with, too. Just last week, I taught a lesson in Sunday school about charity, in which I basically said that if you can help someone, you should. And really, I believe that.
But something I've learned is that sometimes you can't, and that's okay. What's not okay sacrificing your own well-being in order to indulge the selfishness of others. Because sometimes when people think they need you, they really don't! And that's when it's okay to say "no." If it's not a real emergency, if there is someone else they can ask, and if you would have to neglect something that is more important, then "no" it is!
Of course, when you're trying to weigh these two, the Spirit is the ultimate guide. Sometimes you have to choose between your need and someone else's selfishness, sometimes your selfishness and their need, and any combination of the two. Luckily the Spirit help us out when these decisions get sticky.
Really, in the end I think it has a lot to do with maintaining balance.
(See, even my comments are long. Sigh.)
Cecily, I completely agree! The situation I referred to in this post was a request to stay overnight at a ward function (where no kids were allowed) and the place was an hour and half drive away and we had a bunch of family things/photography things going on within a short amount of time . . . it should have been an obvious no from the beginning. Yet, a similar request made a few months before - an overnighter without Sammy - was completely a "yes!" even though it was also tricky coordinating baby-sitters and finding appropriate snow gear for the outing.
It's been interesting finding balance now that I have a kid. For nearly all of my 20s, I was able to focus on friends, roommates, missionaries, investigators, family and had *relatively* no problem making time for them all. I've found now that I'm a mom . . . I need to make time for myself otherwise I'm a terrible wife, mother, visiting teacher, sister, daughter, and friend. I'm still trying to figure out exactly how to handle this shift where pretty much all my focus is on Sammy, Jon, and me with scattered attentions to close friends and other family. It's been a strange shift. But the "hell no!" system has sure helped as I've tried to figure it out.
I agree with this post and the comments made above. I don't think I'm even close to considering balance, so I don't have much to offer there. I do wish I said no more often.
BUT the main point of this comment is that I clicked on your link to J. Golden Kimball and just laughed my head off at his stories. We need more people like him in our Church!
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