Secret to eternal youth?

Everyone is always giving hydrogenated oils a bad rap. Yes, everyone. But yesterday I realized they may just hold the secrets of undying youth. Here is how the gates of wisdom were opened to my mind:

Cleaning out the fridge, I discovered some cold french fries and pizza that I wanted to throw into the compost bucket. Sariah Jane and Liz stopped me a moment too soon. Oils, they explained, especially hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated oils, don't decompose. My mind suddenly turned to the idea of aging . . . what causes it? Decay and decomposition.

Thus, through ironclad logic, I was able to extrapolate the following: As eating hydrogenated oils impedes decaying, it must also put a stopper in aging. Other health disadvantages aside, pause a moment the next time you're eating a french fry, potato chip, doughnut, or fritter and remember the lone blessing that will come -- eternal youth.

Caution: it may also result in the kind of youth riddled with open-heart surgeries and skyrocketing cholesterol. Youth (or some state of anti-decay), nonetheless, it will remain.