No more good-byes? . . . and word-spew

Succinct, to-the-point, and without awkward goodbyes. Aren't phone conversations in TV shows the best? Too bad they rarely imitate reality. Or at least my reality.

If they strove for true-to-life conversations, the shows could definitely run longer and have slower pacing. So I see why they choose to make the on-screen phone calls brief. But these perfect little phone interactions lend me a feeling of being the lone oddball in the universe - the one person who can't have a brief and focused phone conversation. I have weird, overly-long phone conversations all the time! And not just because I like to talk. My awkward phone moments are not limited to the times I'm speaking with a love interest or rival, contrary to what romantic comedies depict, but often happen when I'm speaking to someone I've known for years.

Phone calls have never been my forté. I may start things out all right, but within minutes, what was once a concise and focused conversation will become mush. I call it "word spew" because it is unfortunate and uncontrollable. It happens when words just pour out and I know I should stop them, but I am unable. It's like I think talking will somehow make a poor conversation better. Plah-flah-blah! (Words being spewed out.)

This phenomenon is not limited to the telephone. For example, I gave a talk last Sunday. And, as happens from time to time, I got up to give the message I had prepared, but felt like I was forcing words out of my mouth. So I switched gears. I feel like I gave at the very least a more heart-felt, sincere talk. However the segue from prepared talk to on-the-spot talk was not pretty. It included something like the following:

(The talk was on the need for both the gospel and the church in our worship. At this point, I was trying to make the point that we need one another in the church, which, to me, is a very humbling thought. So enjoy the awkwardness to follow . . .) "We can't baptize ourselves. We can't perform temple ordinances on our own. We need each other. But the most humbling part of this is that sometimes we have to sit through a boring lesson or a badly-given talk. Who knows? Maybe some of you right now are thinking 'I could be giving this talk way better than she is!' . . . Not that any of you would be thinking that [me trying to recover from indirectly saying they're judgmental] . . . but you might be."

Word-spew. It isn't pretty. But it's real.

Back to those TV-scripted phone calls. It would be nice to have something clever to say -- even better to have a clever way of saying it. What would I give to avoid the phone call denoument - the part after the real conversation ebbs but not yet time for goodbye. Sometimes I find myself starting the denoument, but then stop myself realizing, oh wait, maybe they need to talk more - and me so very obviously blazing a path to the good-bye makes me hope I don't come across as too busy to talk or listen. So I'll ask some last minute question, "How are your basil plants?"

So when I see these tidy TV conversations where the information is delivered and the phones hung up without any salutation or farewell, I wonder, could that really happen? And if it did, would I like it in real life?

I've had people hang up on me without saying good-bye. It usually leaves me waiting for a few seconds before I realize I'm the only one still on the line. Like when on the mission we were teaching people to pray and they forgot to say "Amen." Though there are many reasons for using that word at the end of a prayer, one of the main ones is to signal to everyone else that your prayer is finished.

Such is the good-bye in a phone conversation.

While part of me can't help but think I'd be a cooler, more assertive, and driven person if I were to stop using "good-bye," I also think there would be a part of me that would miss having a resolution to the phone conversation. And there are probably people I talk to who would miss hearing a "good-bye."

Look for it next time your watching a TV show, especially if it's faster-paced. (Also look for times when person making the call magically knows exactly when the phone has been answered even though the answerer has yet to speak or breathe. This happens a lot with baddies who have just kidnaped the important character's girlfriend or wife.)

And with that: Till next time. Love you. See you soon. Good-bye.