7:18 PM Dating more then one person at a time can be a headache. My modo is, as long as you are not kissing more then one person at a time, go out with whoever you want.
I've left this chat entry intact. A man-friend of mine said this the other day-- a man-friend who never checks this blog. Nonetheless, this entry is dedicated to him and thousands like him who want to be able to have their cake and eat it too. Spelling and grammatical errors aside, we are about to delve into this motto for living . . . and basically tear it apart. At very least, I will show why this pattern of relationship building causes headaches . I offer my own paltry two cents by way of solution, and yes -- venting.
Point 1) Polygamy is no longer an option. Why bother forming multiple dating relationships simultaneously? It will only confuse you, the women involved, and keep you from gaining the relationship building skills necessary for monogamy. (Note picture at left, Rulon Jeffs -- father of Warren Jeffs -- with two of his wives.) With the confusion and frustration pounding away inside your skull, it's a wonder that your head doesn't just split open.
Point 2) For some people physical intimacy shows commitment, for others devoting time shows commitment, for others it takes both. Among the ancients, time was of such value that immense structures were built to help them know the time of day, month, and year. Considering this, it isn't difficult to imagine that if a man continues to spend time in dating situations with women (at least with women who value time over physical intimacy), some degree of commitment could be expected. This should not come as a surprise.
Not all women are like this. Some view physical intimacy as the measuring stick for relationship commitment, each "level" of intimacy connoting a higher "level" of commitment. For example (and just an example) some women that I know hold to the following system in order to gauge their relationship status: holding hands=more than just friends, kissing=exclusively dating, ring on the left finger=engaged, sex=marriage. Don't assume that the girl you're taking out for the twentieth time knows that you are dating and/or are physically intimate with other women. If that is how you choose to date -- dating many people concurrently -- be honest with the women you date; let them know that you want and expect an open relationship. Honesty is the best policy for gaining people's trust and, what this post is really all about, avoiding headaches!
Point 3) Duplicity never pays off in the long run. Synonyms are as follows: hypocrisy, Judas kiss, artifice, perfidy, treachery. Being one person is hard enough, do you really need to try to be everything for everyone? Or conversely, do you really need every one of the people you are currently dating to make you feel whole? If so, my friend who never reads this blog, I am sorry. To my general readership, I think it is obvious how the problems listed in these three points compound upon each other leading to discontent with self, others, life, God, and so much more. The message is everywhere if you look for it, "Do not run faster than ye have strength," "moderation in all things," "love thy neighbor as thyself," "bridle thy passions that ye may be filled with love," and so much more. As Janis Joplin sings, "Well, you only gotta do one thing well to make it in this world, babe. . . . All you ever gotta do is be a good man at one time to one woman."
In my 9+ years of dating experience I've fulfilled the role of friend, confidante, girlfriend, back-up girl, rebound girl, and girl-I-mention-to-my-parents-to-keep-them-off-my-back. I've been in good relationships and ones that I obviously didn't enjoy. Who wants to be back-up girl or rebound girl? This post is not intended to be vindictive; rather, it is meant to clarify my stance to those who read this blog. My sympathies go out to my friend. I see so much goodness and strength in you -- I want you to build a lasting, healthy relationship. Happiness is so connected to our relationships with others! Hopefully, friend un-named and fellow blog-readers, this post will help you avoid headaches in future and will not be the cause of a migraine in and of itself.
13 comments:
Interesting post, but you are wrong. Dating is dating. Dating isn't marriage. Dating isn't even a commitment to "going steady". Actually, I have noticed there is the need for another term. You can go on dates without dating. That is as many dates as you want. Dating happens after some discussion and physical contact. So, that is where you are wrong. April Fool's!
Dating isn't really dating if it doesn't hurt some of the time. I hate the phrase "If it wasn't hard to get, you wouldn't appreciate it when you got it,"--I think it's absolutely untrue--but we do learn something about ourselves through trials and suffering.
I agree though, there should definitely be a mutual understanding of the relationship by all partners. Sometimes it's obvious and doesn't need to be discussed, and sometimes you have to talk about it. The problems arise when one person things one thing, and the other thinks another. Communication is the key (be it verbal, nonverbal, subverbal, oververbal, interverbal, intraverbal, transverbal, ultraverbal, sobreverbal... you get the idea).
I enjoyed reading this. I'd comment, but honestly, my dating philosophies are rarely concrete enough to articulate--having just broken up with someone a month ago who had different philosophies and expectations, I can say this: think about what is best for you and the other person and be truthful, open-minded, considerate, patient, and kind. I might sounds preachy, but that's not my intent. That's just what I've observed causes the least amount of hurt feelings and heartache. I guess we go about that different ways, but I think beyond casual getting-to-know-you dating, it's better to focus on one person enough to REALLY get to know them so that you can actually make a decision about whether you see yourself with them for forever.
I think it is wrong. Personally, I'll never be able to do it--more self-preservation than integrity. John's comment is great! You totally got me. I was so angry when I read it. Kudos.
I say that you have two dates to decide if that person if someone you want to be into. If you are not sure after date two, cut them loose. If you are not sure, go on one more. If it is still maybe cut him loose. It isn't worth the time and energy. And just be honest. I just say, "Hey, I'm just not interested that way." I think it is better to rip off the emotional bandaid quickly. Good talk'n last night. Um, what if I came into town on Friday?
uh, who knows ...
I deleted my last comment because I spelled artist wrong and I was ashamed. So very ashamed. the point is that you are one. Congrats!
I feel sorry for these people. They are missing all the good in a relationship which is what makes the intimacy worth the risk. They just want a thrill, and that is what they'll get. However, I think they really just don't know what they are missing. I think they would never go back if they had the chance at real love. Read this it was trippy. the title sucked me in.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/21/health/psychology/21case.html?ex=1321765200&en=6030af72aae03e77&ei=5088partner=rssnyt&emc=rss
And brandon, love ya, don't agree. Dating, where there is honest open communication, doesn't have to hurt. In fact, it shouldn't.
By the way, I just remembered I really like cake. I wonder if I like it as much as I like cookies. I know I don't like it as much as I like brownies. MMmmmmmm. I think I'll make myself brownies tomorrow. Or tonight, even though it is almost one.
Amen Sister!
Well said Mo
still afraid of that photo. my phone is dead. might sleep at Jen's tonight.
This is an awesome post, Mo. I totally agree with you. It is so sad that some (too many) guys don't understand all this, and I'm glad you're doing what you can to clarify!
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